You’ve seen the videos of parents holding their newborn for the first time, eyes brimming with tears, whispering, I love you so much. We assume that’s how it’s supposed to be. Instant. Overwhelming. Magical.
But what if it’s not? What if, instead of love, you just feel…tired? Overwhelmed? Maybe even numb?
That’s exactly what happened to a friend of mine, he’s a new dad. After days of exhaustion and sleepless nights, he realized he loved his son in theory, but he didn’t feel that deep connection. Worse, his baby preferred Mom, settling for her but crying in his arms.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not broken, and you’re not alone. Love isn’t always instant, it grows over time. And that’s okay.
1. Is This Normal? Why Some Parents Don’t Feel Instant Love
Short answer? Yes, it’s completely normal.
Not every parent feels an instant, overwhelming connection to their baby. And that doesn’t mean you don’t care about your baby, it’s just how human attachment works.
And I’ve combined some reasons that caused this situation to happen.
Hormonal & Psychological Difference
For moms, bonding can be easier. Pregnancy, childbirth, and breastfeeding trigger oxytocin, the “love hormone” strengthening their attachment.
Dads, on the other hand, don’t get the same automatic hormonal boost. Their bond develops through time, care, and interaction. So if you don’t feel that deep emotional connection right away, it’s not because you’re failing as a parent. It’s just biology doing its thing.
Exhaustion, Stress & Feeling Powerless
A parent’s mental health directly affects bonding. When you’re sleep-deprived, emotionally drained, and stuck in survival mode, it’s nearly impossible to feel much of anything—let alone love.
And despite all the effort, changing diapers, rocking, soothing, washing bottles, and folding tiny clothes, some babies only seem to calm down for Mom. They don’t smile, they don’t giggle, and they definitely don’t say, Thanks for changing my diaper, Dad. Instead, they cry. They demand.
Ouch. It feels personal, like rejection. But it’s not. In the early days, babies naturally cling to the person they associate with warmth and food, which is often Mom. That doesn’t mean Dad is less important, it just means bonding takes time.
2. How Long Does It Take to Bond, And How Can You Strengthen It?
For some parents, love happens instantly. For others, it takes weeks, months, or longer. That’s completely normal. Bonding isn’t a switch, it’s a process.
Bonding Takes Time (And That’s Okay)
Research suggests that 1 in 5 parents take longer to bond with their baby, proving that this experience is more common than most people admit.
And here’s something to remember: your wife’s bond with the baby is already 9 months ahead of yours. It’s okay if you don’t feel the same attachment right away.
Many dads who struggled early on found that, over time, their bond became incredibly strong. The first smile, the first time they reach for you, the first belly laugh at your goofy antics—that’s when it clicks. Until then, bonding is about showing up, even when it doesn’t feel magical yet.
Ways to Strengthen the Bond
- Time & Consistency: Even if your baby doesn’t seem to respond to you much at first, your presence matters. Keep holding, soothing, and caring for them—it all adds up.
- Skin-to-Skin Contact: Science backs this up. Holding your baby against your bare chest can trigger bonding hormones for both of you, even if it doesn’t seem to work right away.
- Talking & Singing: Your baby is learning your voice, even if they don’t react much yet. Narrate what you’re doing, hum a song, or just chat—it helps.
- Find Your Niche: Some dads feel left out in newborn care but later connect through rocking, babywearing, bottle-feeding, or even goofy faces and tickles as the baby grows.
You can also find other ways in this video:
Bottom Line
So here’s the bottom line—bonding takes time, and that’s okay.
One day, you’ll be staring at your baby, exhausted, wondering, Did I really make this? And before you know it, you won’t be able to imagine life without them.